WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY?

Am I good enough? What if I’m incapable of maintaining a healthy, committed relationship? Do they still love me? Is this person right for me? What if it’s all a lie? What if they leave me? What if they’re cheating on me? Are they hiding stuff from me? Will things last? What am I going to do? Is this Relationship Anxiety? 

I am sure these questions bug most of us when we are in a relationship! 

Consistently fearing and worrying about what next is on the platter. These feelings of constant  fear, worry, insecurity, and doubt that can pop up in a relationship, even when everything is going  smoothly, is what we call Relationship Anxiety. 

Relationship Anxiety centers around a specific set of circumstances, namely romantic ones.  Relationship Anxiety is excessively common. A person feeling relationship anxiety may  experience significant discomfort about rejection. 

Some people experience relationship anxiety during the first phases of the relationship before they are sure about their partner’s interests. Sometimes they are unsure if they even want a relationship. A lot of times people feel relationship anxiety when they are in a toxic relationship and are unsure about what next to do. People also feel scared about the future of the relationship with their partner. If they are unable to communicate their feelings, they may end their relationship out of fear or just not be themselves for a while. 

Some probable signs of relationship anxiety are: 

Being skeptical about your partner’s feelings for you  

Sometimes when your partner doesn’t reply to you for days or you don’t feel enough energy or  affection in their replies or your partner constantly cancels all the plans, you wonder about what  has happened, where did it go wrong. You start to believe that they have stopped loving you.  

It is important to know that this feeling of relationship anxiety is common, but what is required here is clearing of things when you and your partner are in the right mind, to avoid fixation.  

Do I matter? 

This is by far the most held question “Do I matter?” or “Will it make any difference if I go away?”  This mostly happens as we want to feel connected, and feel secure in a relationship. You wonder  if your partner will support you during your lows, or your partner won’t miss you much if you  weren’t around.  

Past issues 

Relationship anxiety can be due to a past relationship where the person’s trust has been broken.  Relationship Anxiety can take place in two forms wherein either your partner has broken someone’s trust before or you were cheated on in your past relationship. You may constantly wonder if the person has really  changed or is still the same.  

Wondering if your relationship will last for long 

Even when all the things are going perfectly fine, you tend to overthink and overanalyze the situations. You question if you are truly happy with this relationship or if your partner feels the same about you. You tend to think about whether you and your partner will be able to overcome the difficulties like differences in culture or family background. Basically, looking too far into the future of your relationship can paralyze it. 

 Sabotaging the relationship  

You do this while keeping a motive in your mind to see how much your partner cares about you.  You pick arguments with your partner or push them away by insisting nothing’s wrong. 

Some even stop replying to their messages just to see the extent to which their partner will go to talk to them and ask them about what has happened. 

Reading too deep into their words and actions 

Complicating and overthinking their simple statements leads to stress. This tendency to overthink can suggest relationship anxiety. This reading into the messages has increased during current times as most people engage in texting. People often say “Every text is a secret message to be decoded.”  for e.g.: you pick a fight with your partner because you didn’t like the “tone” of their last text.  Reading into things means finding things that aren’t literally there, which could lead to anger, an unwanted fight, and thus lead to Relationship Anxiety.  

Constantly pestering them  

When in a relationship, one must give enough space to their partner. No one can constantly be with  their partner. Each one of us needs some time with ourselves. One shouldn’t beg for their time or  for being together.  

Excessive reassurance-seeking 

This is related to interpersonal dependency. It refers to a person’s reliance on others for constant evaluation and acceptance. Such people cannot take a poor evaluation from others. 

It is typical to want to know what your significant other feels about you. Nevertheless, constantly asking them is not really appropriate. It is just one of the signs of having Relationship Anxiety.

Self-silencing 

One study published in the Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology showed that women who are sensitive to rejection may be likely to engage in self-silencing to please their partner.  People who self-silence may not express their tastes, opinions, or feelings to their partner especially if these thoughts don’t match to that of their partner. Over time, a person may silence themselves and make sacrifices to preserve the relationship. But this lowers the overall relationship satisfaction. 

  

How does this relationship anxiety destroy connections and what can you do to stop it-? 

1. Due to this relationship anxiety, you become less aware of the present times because you keep worrying  about what next is going to happen. You begin to introspect too much when your partner isn’t around which creates confusion in your mind and in the end breaks down or weakens the trust and connection of the relationship.  

 So, one must learn to live in the moment. Always remember – Talking about your feelings  to your partner will always help. Calm down before reacting. If you notice a slight fear because of  which you are deviating from the facts, pause for a moment and think about what you know instead  of concentrating on what you don’t know.  

2. It is very important to take a break as opposed to directly talking. Anxiety makes you  believe that some topic needs immediate talking but in reality, that is not the case. In fact,  a short break is often required. Sometimes, we often postpone our feelings rather than  acknowledging them. If you don’t express your needs, they just bundle up leading to an  outburst of emotions. 

3. During such circumstances, we often focus more on our own concerns and problems which  keeps us from being compassionate and vulnerable with our partner. 

 Thus, it is important that we attend to our needs, and not to our fears. When you notice yourself becoming fearful, take a moment to consider the compassion that you have for yourself and your partner. It is important to ask for the support you need to be feel loved and understood.  Apologize for letting relationship anxiety make you self-absorbed. 

4. Relationship anxiety takes away the joy from us. Because of all these negative and constant fears and thoughts, our  ability to be present and live in the moment within a relationship weakens. 

5. Due to this relationship anxiety, you continually think that there is someone else better for you than the person you are currently with. To be clear, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, hence one should focus on making the current relationship better.  

A story to remember – 

This a beautiful story where two people walk in a garden full of flowers. They are told to pick the  best and the finest flower. The first person returns without any flower in his hand. When asked,  why did he not pick any flower, he replies that he saw so many beautiful flowers on his way and  thought that there would be a nicer and better one ahead. This happened each time he saw a  beautiful flower. And at the end, when it was time to return back, he realized that he had left the  nicest one far behind. 

The second person came back with one flower and when he was asked why did he pick this flower  and not think that there would be better ones ahead, he simply responded that he saw this one, and  liked it without thinking about the other ones. He believed that the flower which he chose was the  prettiest for him. 

This story surely has a strong moral. It is very similar to marriages and relationships. When you find the one, don’t neglect what you have, just appreciate it, and have faith that you chose the one which is the best for you. When you find a great thing, don’t worry about the pretty flowers in other gardens. 

In the end, it is completely normal to have some amount of relationship anxiety because when we like someone, we expect that the person likes us back. But excessive worrying and overthinking can ruin things and also lead to extreme relationship anxiety. Thus, it is better to start to deal with it right away. As it is well said, “Prevention is better than cure”. 

References – 

1. https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a33267326/relationship-anxiety/. 

2. https://medium.com/mental-health-and-addictions-community/having-trouble-with-your beloved-stop-denying-your-relationship-anxiety-853ff0127e0b 

3. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-anxiety-destroys-relationships-and-how-to-stop it-0622155 

4. https://www.elevatecounseling.com/blog/are-we-secure-understanding-attachment-styles in-relationships 

5. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/relationship-anxiety#definition

6.https://www.healthline.com/health/relationshipanxiety#:~:text=This%20constant%20worrying%20has%20a,everything%20is%20going %20relatively%20well. 

7. All the pictures were taken from https://www.freepik.com/

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